hapinesinmisery

Why is it that I dont feel that I belong here. I came here because I didnt like my life where I was. What happens when you trade loneliness for jealousy. I just dont understand why I would feel this way. Maybe its childish but I hate her sometimes.I hate how she has an ex boyfriend as a best friend. I hate how she cheated on me. I hate how I feel that shes always doing something behind my back. Lately it seems to me that no one wants to be exclusivly with one person. Shes to high above me. Im not cool anymore. I havent been cool since highschool. Sometimes I just want to go back to where I was before. Back home and doing nothing. Many reasons have brought this feeling inside of me. She begged me to get the days off so we can go back. Why does she want to go back so much? So she can see another guy. Do you know how much that hurts? I live here day to day...like a loser...i go to school, with no friends there. I sit alone in class and think about how bad I feel. I go to work and talk to the same people. The same people that pretend they like me because they have to see me everyday. The same people that talk shit behind your back. Everyday I go to work and school and feel like shit. Everyday the only thing that makes me happy is going to sleep at night. I always put on this mask. I put on the joker costume. To make everyone laugh and be happy. Is this how everyone feels? Unhappy but it doesnt matter because theyre stuck. Doing the same things day in and day out. So this is life...


Somebody shoot me

The last few days have been the longest days in my entire life. It seems that every single second, every minute of every day my heart breaks over and over again. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how to function. I cant even remind myself to breathe anymore. Ive lost all of my defenses. Ive lost all of my strength. It took every ounce of my will to not break down and cry at work today. Only one person came to comfort me. Only out of pity. You see, Im not the victim here. Im the one that has destroyed everything. I finally realize that. All of these horrible thoughts inside my head, I cannot let them go. I cannot forget about them. I cant even work hard enough to get my mind off of it. It seems like ive been left behind. I have no one to turn to. No shoulder to cry on. So I sit here alone...with these tears running down my face to the 100th time in the past 3 days. I sit here and cry. I havent had anything to eat. I havent slept. So you online journal...your the only one i can talk to. Your the only one. It seems like itll be like that for a very long time now. I remember when I was 15. I remember when i used to cut myself when i felt like this. I used to do so many drugs and drank until i thrown up. I put my life so much in the clouds, that i wouldnt have to worry about the pain. ah fuck it...im not typing anymore

another day another dollar...wow...its been sooo long since ive wrote on lj. None of my friends post here anymore. Most of them have disapeared right off the internet. Ive done the same thing i guess. Oh well...its a strange coincidence that a friend of mine actually writes on this...Ive lacked tthe chance eto write...the chance to get out all of those emotions ive pushed down. maybe if i have the time ill lget to it.

Well...another long eventful day...i sense some static overcoming once again with me and my girlfriend...but what else is new...another day another arguement...maybe one day ill be with the right person...the one where you could never even think about argueing....the conversations where we agree and every single subject...ive had it once before...and it was the most beautiful relationship ive ever had...what ever happened to that...i guess god chose i wasnt good enough for that kind of love...so i guess what im in right now will have to do...one day though...maybe not this lifetime...maybe not the next...but one day...i know ill find what im looking for....ill know. Its kind of funny when your sadness consumes you so much...it turns into anger...its funny how people forget all of the good things...the second a bad thing happens...its strange how the mind really works. We are capable of such beautiful dreams...and such horrible nightmares... sleeping or not reality can be overwhelming for the weak at heart...people get hurt emotionally everyday....some more than others. Some people create a barrier to block all of that wich will hurt them again...those same walls that crack down when you find something you truely love...i dont know what im really gettin at...im just babbling on...bitching and whining and moaning about things that are out of my control...oh well..another day...another useless thought...another wasted dream...until then...farewell

What a fucking night....ive never felt so hurt....ive never wanted to just crawl up inside and die as badly as i do now...i just wish things could be different....i wish things could work....these doubts i have inside i know for a fact are the same doubts that she has...it hurts so damn much to feel that way...it hurts so much to feel the pain of realization....to feel the pain of it fading away slowly....fight after fight we can see ourselves letting go...we can see ourselves turning our backs on eachother....forgettin of all of those happy memories that made me never want any other person in the world....forgetting about all of those times we touched....alll of those times our lips have embraced....its just so easy....so all i have to do is finish this half empty beer...before it gets too warm...and this feeling always used to pass....like its in the day...like its in the night now....yet it never does....i just want to disapear back into the shadows....i just want to sleep right now and never ever wake up.....i never want to feel this way ever again...i just want to feel numb once again.....the all familiar apathy that has consumed my soul so many times before...i feel as if it is always night but there is no more....without her...i just feel like there is nothing more to hold on to....how sad is that....i am so completely and utterly into her that i expect it to not work out....its just too good to be true...its too good of a thing for me to be graced upon...i sit and look at these all familiar pictures of me and her....of my arms wrapped so tight around her....my eyes shut holding onto that moment....everytime i see it the tears run down my face....the tears of sadness...the tears of pain....we all fall down sometimes....its all a matter of getting back up....thats one thing i have the most trouble with...its strange the one and only thing i want in this life is love....and the one person i think i can actually experience this feeling with....falls through my fingers like the finest sand....god i just love her so damn much....and looks where it gets me......i guess what coner oberst says is true....love is just another excuse to hurt....sommers gonna come its gonna cloud our eyes again...no need to focus when theres nothing thats worth seeing....ive lost what i love in that mess of details...it seemed so important at the time now i cant even recall....just the feeling of it all...winters gonna end im gonna clean these viens again...so close to dying that i can finally start living....i just want someone to run away and be happily ever after with....i miss that feeling....until another day...

i dont know quite what to say...im way tired but i dont feel like going to bed. The plane ride took alot out of me i guess. Im glad to see my cat...she hasnt left my side since i ve gotten back. Im also glad to hear my music...but yeah enough about what im glad about...oh well...i guess im going to sleep now...my head feels totally fried...i dont know what to type lol